Tag: alcoholism

The presence of unwanted feelings such as insecurity, inadequacy, fear, anger, and other social phobias, coupled with our inability to manage or control them, unleashed within us a desperation for relief at any cost. We soon learned of a temporary reprieve that occurred when our brain chemistry became altered. We didn’t care that the relief would be short lived or cause irreparable damage. The long-awaited relief of rightness, contrasted against the life-long agony of wrongness, offered such an enchanting embrace, we surrendered without a fight.

When our minds were not altered, we fell into total despair. Sadly, these moments of disparity began to seep into every moment, and the relief withdrew as quickly as it came.

We became slaves to our feelings. We tested the quality of our product by the way it made us feel. We watched for warning signs of overdose by the way our bodies felt. We discovered ways to get out of responsibilities by saying, “I don’t feel well.” We made all sorts of excuses to ourselves and to others, based on our feelings. We accused our dealer of cutting because his product didn’t make us feel the way we wanted, or the way it used to. We sank into despair when the supply ran out. We drove through blizzards, walked through storms, and did whatever necessary to get the substance that would make us feel right. We went without sleep, food, and basic necessities. We lost relationships and emptied bank accounts in a mad pursuit of a feeling we wanted to feel.

We were caught in a cycle of frenzied flight. Running from feelings we couldn’t stand. Searching for a feeling we thought we knew. We didn’t like to feel wrong, and we didn’t know how to feel right…